Michael Weller
"The Island for the Whites", Book X, Chapter 78
Grenadiers at the UN
The meeting of the General Assembly, already lively, not to say nervous, received just some kind of galvanic discharge. Donald Trump was striding weightily along the aisle to the main UN tribune. He climbed the steps, not being detained by anyone, placed himself in front of the microphones and sent a heavy look to the hall.
"I thank our dear Secretary General of the United Nations of the planet Earth (as this is the Earth, is it?) Mr. António Guterres for this wonderful event! Or should I say Signor Guterres? Or a comrade? What is more correct? After all, our magnificent friend António Guterres is the General Secretary of the Socialist Party of Portugal, the Chairman of the Socialist International, and the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees. We thank Comrade Guterres for both socialism and refugees, don't we? Let's give him a round of applause! I admire your choice of your General Secretary, gentlemen!
Under the wise leadership of Comrade Guterres, move forward to the victory of world socialism, do we! Before us is a radiant ideal: the socialism of fraternal Cuba and even more fraternal North Korea! You want this, don't you? And America should pay for your pleasure. We waste almost 10 billion dollars a year for you taking them out of the pockets of American workers! You've definitely made yourself comfortable here.
Oh yes, it's all gentlemen here (not counting ladies). And they made a gentlemen's agreement that neither an American, nor an Englishman, nor a Frenchman, Russian or Chinese can be the General Secretary. That would be too good for them. After all, these countries are permanent members of the Security Council: enough is enough. It's a quite different and very appropriate to have a UN Secretary General from Ghana or Egypt – as it took place in the past: after all, these are such highly developed, influential nations, you know! Was it okay with you that the glorious son of Ghana, Kofi Annan, turned out to be the biggest corrupt official who embezzled billions of dollars in fraudulent deals? It surely was, just as I thought.
At that, gentlemen, the United States covers 22% of the UN budget (for comparison, Great Britain – 4.6%, Russia 2.4%, while Ghana – 0.014%, and Egypt – 0.179%). Why are these Third World beggars posing as top UN officials? For what kind of feats? What heights have they reached?
And here we have the International Court of Justice. The most important institution! Yet who presides over it? Abdulgavi Ahmed Yusuf. I think he's a great guy and a competent professional. Where is he from? From Somalia. I respect Somalia, we all respect Somalia, we have many refugees from Somalia in the States – they are fleeing from terror, from poverty. Have you heard of the glorious history of jurisprudence in Somalia? Gee, they need a lot of God blessing to restore at least some order in their own country, though in fact there is no country there. And this guy presides over the British, French, Italians with their ancient, centuries-old, thousand-year history of legislation and interpretation of laws! A bit strange, don't you think so? Or maybe you decided to take into account the experience of the Somalian judiciary here? Of Somalia, which does not exist as a nation at all; which has long since disintegrated into impoverished warring factions, where the Union of Islamic Courts established order by executions, where they were building Soviet socialism, committed aggression against all neighbors and introduced Sharia law! Your roof is blown away 'cause of your impudence, yet now you decided to judge the policy of the United States! When have you been checked by psychiatrists last time?!
Oh, I'm so glad to see representatives of the glorious World Health Organization led by its glorious General Manager – I am happy to welcome you, Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus! Doctor, is it true that when you were the Minister of Health of your native Ethiopia, you covered up cholera outbreaks at least three times? And you constantly falsified statistics, according to which you – for 6 years! – have significantly reduced child mortality, and HIV, and malaria, and tuberculosis. On paper, you are just a wizard! And then, all of a sudden, you became the Minister of Foreign Affairs and Special Advisor to the Prime Minister… There is reliable intelligence that China bribed a number of WHO members and lobbied you for the position of CEO – and you paid back China for this by hiding the danger and emergence of Covid-19 from there in every possible way! And then you promoted the interests of pharmaceutical monopolies.
Gentlemen! Countries that can be proud of their contribution to medicine being at the forefront of its development are the USA, Germany, Switzerland, Israel, Great Britain, France, Italy, after all. They have vast experience in fighting epidemics, creating medicines and treatment methods, the highest level of medical training, and a developed healthcare organization. They should be at the head of the global health system, as any sane person understands. Why is Ethiopia here? Ghana, Zimbabwe, Somalia?! Are you going there for treatment?
We will not ignore our glorious UNESCO headed, again, by the Director General – the charming Audrey Azoulay. Audrey is a perfect example of internationalism: a Moroccan Jew, a citizen of France. What a wonderful career: the father is an adviser to the King of Morocco, the daughter is the Director General of UNESCO! I don't even dare to imagine what the children of the respected Madame Azoulay will achieve.
First of all, UNESCO is concerned with the preservation of cultural heritage. And now, before our eyes, the cultural and historical heritage of Europe and America is being destroyed, because, you know, this is "white culture" and "heritage of slave-owning ". Newton and Shakespeare were "white men", racists and oppressors, that is. We need less Mozart and Bach, and more African music. To hell with symphonies – listen to tom-toms! The whites, you know, gave Africa no written language, no schools and hospitals, no roads and houses, no crafts and statehood – nothing! The savages have become civilized on their own, in spite of the white atrocities! Whites only slowed them down.
I ask you. Now, when masterpieces of "white artists" are being removed from museums while daubs of "minorities" are being hung up; when European culture and history are erased from references; when a guilt and inferiority complex is pushed into the throats of the peoples that created our culture; when monuments are demolished and books are banned: what is UNESCO doing to protect culture?! Therefore, let the blacks and the Arabs keep UNESCO.
How many decades did the Arab states try to destroy Israel? How many Jews were killed by Arab terrorists in Palestine? How many decades has Israel been trying to achieve merely the right to exist – to get all its neighbors to acknowledge even the very fact of its existence! Well, in response, UNESCO constantly condemns only Israel of all countries of the world and accepts the Palestinian Authority as a member, while it is not a state at all! Thereby, UNESCO supports terrorism and war in the Middle East and anti-Semitism around the world: by the way, in France too, Madame Azoulay.
And how is the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change doing? Kyoto protocol? Paris Agreement? Insolent charlatans! World Organization of Shamanism! Haven't you fallen through the ozone hole yet? Does anyone want to take a look at temperature fluctuations over millions of years in the Earth's history? What a brilliant idea: rich countries give money to save the planet from "warming", the UN passes this money through itself – and distributes it to poor countries that will improve their technologies in order to pollute the atmosphere less. That is, three-quarters will be plundered, and for the rest, Africans from the start would introduce super-clean technologies. And in the meantime? In the meantime, China and India would keep polluting the entire atmosphere – who cares?! Maybe you should rather start with them. Or they cut off a piece paying you back?
Wow, and UNICEF is also here. Our dear, respected Children's Fund. You take care of children day and night, misters pedophiles, do you? The kids shouldn't be banned from watching pornography on the Internet, for "it can deprive children of access to vital sexual education", should they? Attempts to block children's access to pornography may violate their human rights". Is it not enough for you to promote homosexuality and sex change at schools? Do you want to castrate everyone so that they be childless and work to pay their medicines all their lives? You don't know what other senseless initiatives to come up with to continue sucking billions for your comfortable life, do you? Do you believe that Alcatraz is closed forever?
What this holy undertaking has degenerated into!.. The UN is a clade of insolent political outcasts and dependents, formed for the most part from the low life idiots – because there are always more of low life idiots! – and they began to dictate their terms to the world. Why?! Because they were allowed to! Serious countries, developed, strong and rich, with an educated and hardworking population, victorious in the greatest war, wanted to create a just world of equal peoples – and so they invited all suffering and the poor to sit next to them and solve all issues together, as required by the Christian ethics and laws of humanism. The suffering and the poor, listening and learning how oppressed and robbed they are, agreed that it is quite fair when they are given money and help to sustain themselves. And it is just that the leader of a tribe puts on a suit made for him by a European tailor, assumes the title of president or prime minister of his tribal union, which is now called the state, and participates on an equal footing in the discussion of world problems. And the voice of his impoverished asshole in the jungle, which yesterday yet had neither a name, nor laws, nor flag, nor borders, is equal to the voice of America, France or Russia at the council of great leaders.
Damn!!! Trump yelled. The cufflink flew off, the forelock stood on end. "America pays this mob billions of dollars – billions of dollars taken from its hard workers!" – so that all these wild naked assholes rule world politics! Yet these chatterboxes and cretins, parasites and idlers, these fucked barbarians and natives would still teach someone! My spine is already cracking under this "burden of the whites"! The backbone of the whole civilization is already cracking, the cojones dropping, asshole smoking! Enough!!!
…In the last few minutes, a strange movement began happening in the hall. The entire human mass, distributed in rows of chairs and aisles, began to stir simultaneously and weakly, like gray yeast dough. This wavy crowd of delegates, listeners and spectators, very slowly flowed towards the podium intended to outline and embrace it. From the stuck together crowd, as in a movie about zombies and vampires, arms reached out and began to stretch forward farther and farther, lengthening, becoming thinner and grasping the air with crooked fingers.
Then a bunch of enchanting and impossible scenes opened up – if they were not confirmed by a mass of eyewitnesses, and moreover, filmed by hundreds of phones, not to mention the material traces of the incidents.
The doors of the main facade slammed heavily, and a torn-up Trump flew out onto the gray flagstones of the square. His sleeve was torn off, the tie at the side, the shirt without buttons, and a tuft torn out of the gray-yellow forelock.
"These bastards do not want to listen," he said in a hollow and curt voice, breathing hard. General Flynn supported him, pale with rage. He turned to the soldiers and raised the radio to his mouth: "Throw all this audience out for me!"
A roaring drum roll immediately rolled out. "Battalion-style! In a line of eight! Bayonets overweight! Take over the building! Everyone out! Step by step – march!" bellowed the bullish voice of General Grant. Red-faced and drunk as always, Ulysses S. Grant stood on his tiptoes and brandished his saber, flashing in the sun.
The regimental column swayed, disintegrating into battalion formations. The buglers raised their gleaming brass trumpets to the sky and blew the attack. The drums rumbled. The first rank lowered their guns, bayonets pointed forward, and marched, thumping their boots on the stones. They were dandies from the Connecticut Regiment, their white cravats being tied tightly under their chins, their hat feathers swayed in agreement, a row of buttons on their yellow waistcoats under their blue uniforms shined. They instantly tore all eight doors off their hinges. Eight chains rushed into the building like blue steel pitchforks into a haystack.
"Go! Go!" Grant prompted. A standard-bearer stood "at attention" next to him, though there were not enough stars on the flag: five rows of seven, only thirty-five stars were diligently counted by the boys, who sat on the trees in enjoyment of an unprecedented spectacle. ("That's the hack of a movie they're making!")
And at the same time, from the opposite side of the General Assembly, the New York Highlanders, perched on the grass around the fountain under the skyscraper of the UN Secretariat, jumped up, dusting off their famous plaid pants and forming. General William Sherman parted his narrow lips among the tufted stubble that served him as a beard, commanded quietly and very clearly, knowing that his every word would be heard and executed:
"Battalion-wise. Columns of companies. Companies – line up in platoon columns one at a time. Platoons stay together. Demolish the glass façade. Watch out for falling glass. Clear the building. Don't use weapons if you don't need to. Buglers – attack. Drummers – drum roll. Forward!!!"
Brass sang, donkey skin rumbled, crumbling glass rattled, swearing and commands of sergeants thundered, and stomping soldiers with bowed bayonets energetically rushed inside the building, rushing along the corridors, deafeningly slamming doors and cackling bloodthirsty in the face of frightened officials.
And from the East River, on the east river side of the Assembly, the 16th Virginia Infantry rushed in through broken skylights, and above the pearl-gray uniforms the Confederate flag with stars rose and flew over a blue slanting cross on a scarlet field. Sitting by the bushes on the lawn, General (Stonewall Jackson remarked to his chief of staff:
"Never take counsel of your fears".
At that very moment, spectators on First Avenue watched as, from a long arc of crackling flags of all countries, from United Nations Square, soldiers in the same bluish-gray uniform, smashing high windows with the butts of ancient rifles, rushed through the gaping western facade into the building, shouting words that only can fly out of the throats of soldiers in the attack. The most vigilant onlookers could see that a handsome, gray-haired officer sitting on a horse was following the movement of his soldiers with large, dark eyes like olives, and it was already quite difficult to distinguish the stars on his buttonholes: it was General Robert Lee himself.
The corridors were clattering, rumbling and crackling. Secretaries screeched, tables overturned, some clerks raised their hands, others ran in all directions. Panic in all its glory gripped the world's greatest institution. When armed soldiers burst through all the doors of the General Assembly Hall and rushed down the aisles, the 1,500-strong congregation jumped up from their seats, screaming, waving and shaking. The rising uproar drowned out the sound of heels. And only one lady, who was in front of the podium, indignantly pointed to the Confederate flag and yelled in a huff:
"Racists!"
In response, she received a heavy kick with an army boot in the ass, making a meter-long jump and yelling. An infantry captain with three stripes on gray buttonholes flew up to the podium, fired at the dome from a long-barreled Colt Navy, which threw out a stream of gray smoke, and in perfect silence rapped into the microphones:
"Everyone! Leave the premises immediately! I give you two minutes! A military tribunal will try anyone who is caught in the building after this! (And he will be hanged, – he added more quietly and calmly.) Perform!!
For a long, meaningful and vital second, delegates, representatives, assistants, advisers and experts were realizing of what they had heard. In that second, the soldiers in the aisles, having the most ferocious faces, began to turn their bayonets towards the defenseless victims. Then there was a big crush and a rolling clatter.
Heartless martinet laughter drove the fleeing chosen ones of all countries of the world into the back.
The spectacle outside unfolded much more colorfully. Assemblers and members of all races and genders burst out of doors, broken windows, and the remains of a glass wall on all four sides of the building and raced north, west, east, and south with admirable speed.
Trump sat on the regimental drum with his arms folded and his chin on his chest. He watched with grim satisfaction the victory of armed reason over unarmed ideology.
"Wait a minute," he said. "We still need them. General!" Order to catch some twenty of those and bring them here.
"Yes sir," General Flynn saluted.
He said something in Grant's direction; Grant grinned and waved to the soldiers. The soldiers hooted and chased the delegates across the square and through the bushes. Those who were caught were dragged to Grant, and, apparently, it gave special pleasure to drag them by the scruff of the neck, so that it looked ridiculous and humiliating.
"So," Trump said from his drum, his voice over the low vibration of the drum's resonating belly. "Give me a piece of paper. And a pen. Bring them in one at a time. Instantly a second drum appeared nearby, and Grant's regimental clerk, bending down, laid a sheet of thick yellowish paper on it. He dipped a perfectly cleaned goose quill into a faience inkwell and wrote out in large beautiful letters, not forgetting the curlicues:
"United Nations General Assembly
Decree on self-dissolution
We, the undersigned plenipotentiaries of the General Assembly of the United Nations, on behalf of the peoples and states that we represent in accordance with applicable international laws, declare the United Nations dissolved as of today."
Trump made a gesture. A black delegate was brought up to the drum.
"Name, surname, country, signature," the clerk commanded.
The tall, burly African took out a case from his pocket, from the case – glasses in a thin gold octagonal frame, put them on; from another pocket he took out a thick silver Montblanc Prince Rainier1, unscrewed it and signed it with dignity on his face.
"Free. Next!"
Next was a lean lady of Scandinavian type.
"I protest!" She straightened up proudly.
"Jack," the clerk said back, "hang this one up."
"I'll sign!" the lady said quickly and grabbed the pen. But I protest."
"Jack!"
"Okay, okay, I withdraw the protest!
"Make a protest to your husband."
"I have a wife!" – What?! Oh, Lord. And this asylum of lunatics ruled the world. It's mad! Take her away! Next!
The next lady was similar to a horse in both face and rump, but she was a horse with the ability to sign quickly.
A polite Asian signed silently and bowed deeply.
"Well, they look like middle-hand planters," one soldier noted to another. Or maybe lawyers. How did they get to such a height, Bill?"
The soldier's understanding of life is unpretentious.
"Shit always floats up," said Bill thoughtfully.
After the twenty-sixth signature, Grant ordered the elected representatives of all nations to disperse, which was done to the relief of both parties involved.
"Frail, they are frail, but how nimble!" approvingly noted the regiment following the fleeing.
After the final formation on the square in front of the main entrance, General Li looked kindly and inquired:
"I hope you will save our monuments, Mr. President?
"Surely," answered the brave president, got
up from the drum and saluted him. "You'll hear from Tucker Carlson on
Fox
News tonight."