Michael Weller
"An Island for Whites", Book VII

 

A morning and the world

 

Life begins with TV. Or the day starts with TV. Or daily life begins with TV. Or the dream is replaced not so much by reality, but by television reality. Or by that of a computer, which is the same: whichever one prefers.

Toilet, teeth, tea, coffee, breakfast, shirt, shoes – all of it are not life yet. This is a physiological process, a form of existence: to eat, breathe, sweat, move. Life, however, is about joining the world: click – and you're connected.

And there lines of stock news are running, it's raining, and cyclones are moving, napkins and cars are being advertised, gays and Africans are fighting for their rights, preachers of all stripes are preaching all kinds of virtues, promising happiness and the meaning of life, and faces are white, yellow and black necessarily follow each other in a variety of optimism, and someone is fat, and someone is already old, and all of it is merged in the preoccupied ecstasy of the upcoming day.

And you recall that you are a second-rate individual so as not to forget about it until the evening. You are white, you are a man, you are a Christian, you are young and healthy, you have an athletic figure and a good diploma. You're not gay, you're not unemployed, you're not disabled. But you say to yourself: I'm not a faggot, I'm not disabled, I'm not a black man, I'm not a parasite, I'm not an idiot – I am therefore a vile racist fascist pig. How can I go on with my life with such characteristics? Or should I rather hang myself?

I want to be politically correct. I respect political correctness, I love it! And inside of me, Dr. Jekyll punches Mr. Hyde in the face and yells that political correctness is a lie told by thugs, and when it is gone, it will have no other history than a bloody history of murders. I am educated enough to know the name of this illness: I have schizophrenia.

I explained this to a psychoanalyst. The psychoanalyst is a confessor in camouflage living off the profits. What the hell?! I can't lie on a couch in front of a stranger! He explained that two times two makes four (Did you really need to hear it? Then don't go to crooks, if you're smart). You must not suppress internal impulses – this leads to depression, reduced immunity, and to all diseases. You just need to love not only yourself, but also all the unfortunate who are less fortunate in life than you. You are strong, are you? That means the Lord has given you strength to help the weak.

Doctor, but these weak ones have already sucked all the juice out of me! I already live with a guilt complex in front of all the weak! Am I to blame for not being a freak or an idiot?

Here's what I'll tell you about the doctors: they couldn’t care less about you and your problems. They can cure the body, as to the soul, even their own is pure surrealism.

Why am I not African? Not an Arab, not a lame, not a moron, not a lesbian? How happy I would be! Yes, I would have ignored everybody! I would demand everything from everyone, yell at everyone, throw bricks at the police, snatch my allowance from their throats and go to rallies and parades for my rights. And don't they dare to not give me at least something!

When I meet an African, or an Asian, or a wheelchair user, or an explicit gay, I feel like I am looking at them with servitude of a dog. All of a sudden, a sweet falsehood appears in me. I become too polite, too friendly, too grateful, I go out of my way to sincerely prove with all my being how well I feel about him – and they feel it! I feel that they feel it. And deep down they hate us for it: for our hypocrisy, in which we convinced ourselves. We convinced ourselves – but you can't fool them, no!

And I'll tell you about them too. They are terribly grateful to us for all the good things, they love us immensely, don't they? Yeah, just tickle your dreams! They are annoyed at life, that it deprived them. And they take out on us this irritation, turned into hatred. They hate us. They hate us for the fact that we sacrifice something of our own for them, for the good they owe us. Yet a person hates to be obliged – especially if he cannot equally repay.

If a person is unable to repay good with good, he will repay good with evil. That's the way he is made. That's the way it is, boy. Because a person cannot be indifferent to those, on whom his life depends. He can either love them or hate them. So the minority love benefactors, while most people hate them.

Why? Because they would like to be strong themselves so that you depend on them, not vice versa.

And this is what is killing me. I am ready, I am glad to do good to them all, deprived – yet I know that as a result, most of them will hate me. They will despise me for the fact that I, the asshole, spend my cool life on them and moreover, expect some gratitude. I can live without it. I don't need gratitude! But they do think so.

That's what kills me, grinds me. I do good – yet I multiply evil in the world. A man in his arrogance decided to correct the imperfection of his Lord's work: to do good instead of Him according to his own understanding. Yet he will be punished for it! And do not imagine yourself smarter than the Creator and more merciful than He. If he created different people, do not change their places according to your own understanding.

In short, I don't like our world. Or rather, it's arrangement. Or rather, it's ideology. Or rather, our ideology. Or rather, not mine, but the ideology of our society: it's crooked, crippled, perverted.

…Oh my God, how to drive a car with these thoughts, go to work, talk to colleagues, return to family? They all got me with their simplicity. Freaks.

And all this is considered a prosperous, one might say successful and even happy life.

You are not God to me, freaks, nor are you the masters of my soul! Look what is already happening around!